Avast ye, matey! Do you yearn to escape the tedium of your landlubber life and become a daring pirate, sailing the seven seas for treasure and glory? If so, then maybe you should move to Somalia and start hijacking container ships full of sneakers, microwaves, and other pirate booty as they pass through the Gulf of Aden! Arr!

Or you could just buy a Pirate-Scented Candle. The Pirate-Scented Candle captures all of the swashbuckling glory of the golden age of piracy, with none of the scurvy. (Well, it won't GIVE you scurvy. But it also won't PREVENT scurvy, so always make sure you're getting enough Vitamin C.) It combines the scents of the wooden deck beneath your bare feet and the rum you're sipping from a pewter mug as you scan the horizon for Spanish Galleons.

The Pirate-Scented Candle also makes a perfect gift for anyone who would be a good pirate. Or at least, better at being a pirate than they are at their current job.

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WARNING: This candle is beautiful and you will be tempted to examine it very closely. But if you examine a lit candle TOO closely you will burn your eye and need an eyepatch. (Or, if you already have an eyepatch, you will possibly need a second eyepatch.)